Should i keep trying to work it out pdf

How did you feel about the experience? Do you think it was helpful? Write down your thoughts here: D. Do you think you would benet from taking a marriage-strengthening class, either by yourself or with your spouse, to help you resolve problems and communicate more eectively and increase your satisfaction with your marriage? Why or why not? As you answer this question, consider whether you would feel comfortable or awkward in class with other couples working on improving their marriages.

Write down your thoughts here: E. Are you aware of some marriage-strengthening classes in your area? Does your church or other religious group oer marriage-strengthening classes? Te Utah Healthy Marriage Initiative website www. Do a little investigation of local resources and write down a few possibilities that you might be interested in here: 27 Should I Keep Trying to Work it Out? People have dierent thoughts and feelings about seeking marriage counseling, some positive, some negative, and some just unsure.

Interestingly, most couples do not get counseling before they divorce. Tis exercise is designed to help you sort out your own thoughts and feelings about getting some formal marriage counseling to help you with the challenges you are experiencing in your marriage.

Have you had some marriage counseling before? If yes, how was that experience for you? Was it helpful? Was it enjoyable? How comfortable do you think you would feel getting marriage counseling? Write down some of your thoughts and feelings about the following questions. Also, think about how your spouse might answer these questions. Are you willing to take an honest look at yourself and your part in how your relationship is struggling and how it could be improved?

Your feelings: Your spouses feelings: How willing are you to share deep, personal thoughts and feelings in a counseling session? How willing are you to do homework assignments to work on your relationship, if your marriage counselor asks you to? Your feelings: Your spouses feelings: Overall, how comfortable do you think you would be with marriage counseling? Does your religious organization oer marriage counseling?

If yes, do you think you would feel more or less comfortable with counseling from a religious leader? In this chapter we suggested various ways that you could nd a good marriage counselor.

Review these suggestions. Ten, if you were to decide to get some counseling, write down how you would go about nding a good marriage counselor. If you decide to get marriage counseling, how would you pay for it? Although some religious organizations oer free counseling, secular counselors charge a fee.

Does your insurance company pay for marriage counseling? If your insurance company will pay for marriage counseling, how many sessions will they help pay for? You may need to consult with your insurance company or employers human resources department to nd this out. If you would need to pay for marriage counseling yourself, how much would you be willing to pay?

In Chapters 7 and 8 you will read more about how expensive a divorce can be; eective counseling is less costly. So overall, how willing do you think you and your spouse would be to get some marriage counseling? Circle your answer. Its not uncommon for couples who are separated or heading for divorce to try and reconcile and keep trying to work things out.

Sometimes reconciliation is successful but other times it is not. Tis brief exercise is designed to help you think about the possibility of reconciliation and how helpful it might be. Reconciliation is more likely to be successful when both spouses make strengthening the marriage a high priority. How committed would you be? How committed do you think your spouse would be? Not at all Committed Maybe a little Committed Somewhat Committed Very Committed You Your Spouse If you decided to reconcile, what specic things could you do to make strengthening your marriage a high priority?

Tink about big things like going together to a marriage education class or marriage counseling. Also think about some small things like a regular time each day to talk and reconnect, praying together daily, a weekly date, dropping some demands on your time, developing some shared interests, etc. List 23 of the ideas that you think will be most eective below and make a plan for how you will do this: Ways to Prioritize My Marriage How will I do this?

Having the support of family members and friends for reconciliation helps. Below, list important family members and friends and evaluate how supportive they would be. So overall, how much support would you have for reconciliation? Write down your thoughts here: C. Remembering the Good Times. When you think back on your relationship, both before you got married and after, can you think of good, positive times?

When couples are going through hard times, it is common to focus on the bad and not remember the good times and good features of the relationship. But if you can recall those good times and good aspects of the relationship, then you have a better chance of being able to work through your challenges and keep your marriage together. A marriage that was built on friendship and fondness sometimes can be revived, despite the challenges you are facing now. Tis exercise is designed to help you try to remember the good times and good parts of your relationship.

What do you remember about dating your spouse? What did you enjoy doing together? Write down some of your thoughts here: Why did you choose to marry your spouse? What infuenced you to make such a big decision to decide to spend your life together with this person? Write down your thoughts here: What do you remember about your engagement?

Your wedding? What are some of the positive memories from these times? What good characteristics do you still see in your spouse? Write down your thoughts here: Have you gone through some tough times together before? What kept you going through those times?

Write down your thoughts here: If you have been able to remember some of the good features of your marriage and your spouse, it helps you to see the possibility of a better future. What have you learned by trying to remember the good times? Elements of a Healthy Marriage. Researchers have identied 10 essential elements of a healthy marriage.

How important are these 10 elements to you? For each of the 10 elements, make a quick judgment about how important it is to you. Essential Element: Defnition How important is this to you?

Commitment: each spouse has a long-term perspective of the marriage and an intention to persevere through hard times; each spouse is committed to the well-being of the other.

Satisfaction: the marriage is a source of happiness for each spouse. Communication: the couple is able to talk and communicate with each other in positive and respectful ways.

Confict resolution: the couple is able to handle diferences and conficts and solve problems in a positive way. Lack of violence: neither spouse is abusive of other or their children, physically, psychologically, or sexually.

Fidelity: spouses are sexually faithful to one another; sex is reserved for ones spouse and no one else. Commitment to children: each spouse is committed to the well-being of all of their children. People will dier in how important certain elements are. What have you learned by considering how important these elements are to you? Evaluating the Strengths and Weaknesses of Your Relationship. If you are like most couples, your relationship has both weaknesses and strengths.

How do you rate your relationship? What can you do to keep the strong areas strong? What can you do to improve the problem areas? Tis quiz can help you think about these questions.

Te questions come from a research study that looked at the quality of relationships. Te researchers who did this study found that a persons answers to the quiz can tell a lot about the quality of a relationship, but its not perfect.

Heres how the quiz works: Answer these 30 questions and then add up the score. Ten you can go through an exercise to nd the strengths in your relationship and areas where you need to make improvements.

You can do the quiz on your own. If you feel comfortable, both you and your spouse could take the quiz separately, then share your results. Use the tips at the end to help you appreciate your strengths and talk about ways to work on your weaknesses. For each question, circle the number below the answer that best matches your feelings. Remember, the usefulness of this quiz depends on how much you know about yourself and your partner and how honest you are in your responses.

Your overall relationship with your spouse? The quality of your communication? The love you experience?

My spouse understands my feelings. My spouse listens to me in an understanding way. My spouse uses a tactless choice of words when she or he complains. Nervous 5 4 3 2 1 Depressed 5 4 3 2 1 Feel hopeless 5 4 3 2 1 Worrier 5 4 3 2 1 Easily irritated or mad 5 4 3 2 1 How much do you agree with the following statements about the family you grew up with?

Im still having trouble dealing with some issues from my family while growing up. Some issues from my family while growing up make it hard for me to form close relationships 5 4 3 2 1 Chapter 2: Can Unhappy Marriages Become Happy Again? Financial matters 5 4 3 2 1 Communication 5 4 3 2 1 Roles who does what 5 4 3 2 1 Time spent together 5 4 3 2 1 How often have you thought your relationship might be in trouble? How often are YOU violent toward your current partner? To score your quiz, just add up the numbers you circled.

Your score should be between A lower number indicates more areas of weakness that you may need to work on to improve the quality of your relationship. All couples have strengths and challenges in their relationships. List and talk about your strengths and areas for improvement. For the questions in this quiz, higher numbers indicate strengths in your relationship.

So, from your answers to the quiz, list the greatest strengths in your relationship. Tink and talk about these strengths. Dont take them for granted. How can you maintain and nurture these strengths? For the questions in this quiz, lower numbers indicate weaknesses in your relationship. From your answers to the quiz, list some challenges in your relationship that you could work on. Tink and talk together about these challenges.

What can you do to improve in these areas? Tere are easy ways to get a more detailed, in-depth look at all the dierent aspects of your relationship. For instance, here are some relationship inventories, or questionnaires, that you can access over the Internet that allow you to answer many detailed questions about your relationship with your spouse privately. Ten you get detailed feedback on the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship.

How common is divorce and what are the reasons? Marriage is a counter-cultural act in a throwaway society. William H. Tere are some well known factors that put people at higher risk for divorce: marrying at a very early age, less education and income, living together before marriage, a premarital pregnancy, no religious aliation, coming from a divorced family, and feelings of insecurity.

Te most common reasons people give for their divorce are lack of commitment, too much arguing, indelity, marrying too young, unrealistic expectations, lack of equality in the relationship, lack of preparation for marriage, and abuse. Some of these problems can be xed and divorce prevented. Commitment is having a long-term view of the marriage that helps us not get overwhelmed by the problems and challenges day to day.

When there is high commitment in a relationship, we feel safer and are willing to give more for the relationship to succeed. Commitment is clearly a factor in why some couples stay together and others divorce. Divorce is necessary at times, and it may even help to preserve the moral boundaries of marriage. But parents have a responsibility to do all that they reasonably can to preserve and repair a marriage, especially when the reasons for divorce are not the most serious ones.

Barriers to leaving a marriage, such as nancial worries, can keep marriages together in the short run. However, unless there is improvement in the relationship, eventually the barriers are usually not enough to keep a marriage together in the long run. Divorce is both very personal and all too common. But there are many myths about divorce. Individuals at the crossroads of divorce may benet by knowing the research facts about divorce rates, factors that are associated with a higher risk of divorce, and common reasons that people give for divorcing.

Te highest divorce rates ever recorded were in the s and early s. Since then the divorce rate actually has decreased a little, but it still remains at a historically high rate. To say that nearly half of all rst marriages end in divorce sounds a lot like saying marriage is just a game of chance. But a lot of research has identied various factors that are associated with a higher risk for divorce. So some people actually have a low risk of divorce while others have a high risk. Understanding these factors may not directly help you improve your marriage or make a decision about divorce, but it may help you understand why you may be facing some challenges.

Of course, these factors do not guarantee that you will divorce; they simply increase your risk. Here are some factors that appear to increase the risk of divorce the most. But it is not a complete list of risk factors.

Young age. Marriage at a very young age increases the likelihood of divorce, 1. Tose who marry in their teens have much higher divorce rates. By about age 21 or 22, however, that risk goes down dramatically.

Te average age at rst marriage for Utah is 22 for women and 23 for men. Less education. Researchers have estimated that individuals who have some 2. Less income. Closely related to education is income. Researchers have estimated 3. Apparently having at least a modest income can help couples avoid stresses that can lead to divorce. Premarital cohabitation. Couples who live together before marriage appear 4. Most only live together with one partner whom they later marry and these couples dont seem to be at a lot greater risk for divorce.

Researchers have found that those who live together already have or develop more lenient attitudes about divorce. But some researchers also think that living together may hinder building a strong commitment to each other and the importance of marriage.

Pregnancy and childbearing prior to marriage signicantly increase the likelihood of future divorce. Fortunately, Utahs rate of unwed births is one of the lowest in the nation. Researchers 6. Of course, some risk factors for divorce you cant control.

If you 7. And if your spouse also experienced his or her parents divorce, then your risk for divorce more than triples.

It does suggest that individuals who experienced the divorce of their parents need to work even harder to make good marriage choices and to keep their marriage strong and happy. Researchers have found that some personality factors put people 8. One of the most important is feeling insecure about yourself and your self-worth. Insecure individuals are more likely to become It is interesting to note that a signicant number of divorced individualsmaybe up to about halfreport that they wished they or their ex- spouse had tried harder to work through differences.

Te previous section explained what factors increase the chances of divorce. Of course, when you ask people why they got divorced they generally dont say things like, I didnt have enough education, or My parents were divorced. When asked this question, divorced individuals usually respond with more personal reasons.

Researchers have identied the most common reasons people give for their divorces. A recent survey of Utah adults found results similar to this national survey. Couples can learn how to avoid destructive arguments and solve their dierences better; they can create more realistic expectations for their marriage; and they can create more equal partnerships. We discuss recovering from indelity later in this chapter. It is interesting to note that a signicant number of divorced individualsmaybe about halfreport to researchers that they wished they or their ex-spouse had tried harder to work through their dierences.

You might benet from doing exercise 3. As we noted above, the number one reason people give for why their marriage didnt succeed is a lack of commitment on one or both spouses parts. It may be helpful to focus on this issue of commitment. Researchers have found that about half of all divorces come from relatively low-conict relationships. In fact, researchers have a hard time distinguishing between these two groups of married couples except for one important factor.

Te dierence appears to be in the level of commitment. Low-conict individuals who are not very happy in their marriage but have higher levels of commitment to the marriage are more likely to stay together and try and make things better rather than divorce to see if they could be happier in another relationship. Scott Stanley at the University of Denver, denes commitment as having a long-term view of the marriage that helps us not get overwhelmed by the problems and challenges day to day.

We keep our eyes focused on the valued prizea healthy, stable marriageand work to get there. Tese are things that keep us in the marriage even if things arent going so well; for example, social pressure from family or friends, nancial worries, children, religious or moral beliefs about divorce, and fear about the future.

We often think about constraints as negative things in a society that values choice and freedom so highly. But constraints also can serve the purpose of keeping us from jumping ship when leaks appear in our marriage, as they always do. Tis is the kind of commitment Keeshaw was referring to in our interview as she discussed how she and her husband, Doug, were able to halt their path to divorce: In a way, I dont think Ive ever wanted to divorce.

Id say one of the biggest goals of my life, watching my parents [failed marriage], was to build a good marriage, so a lot of that had to do with me saying that this is really important. When we interviewed Trisha, it was clear that constraint commitment, and in particular, concerns for how divorce would aect her children and how she would support her family, were keeping her from a divorce: There are periods of time where I feel like I cant do it anymore, but literally, I have stayed with him because of my kids.

I just really feel like it would just mess up their world too much. If I could leave, I would leave. In fact, I think if things were a perfect situation for me now, I would still leave. So, I guess, yes, on the one hand, I stay together because of the kids, but also because, what am I going to do with ve kids?

And where am I going to go and how am I going to support them? I feel like Im trapped a lot. But I just put on a happy face and keep going. But not because I want to but because I feel like Im forced, I feel like I have to, that I have no other options, at least no options that appeal to me in any way. Are you going to trade a marriage that youre not happy in for a really hard life of being a single mom?

Can I just accept the way things are? Its not like I get beat up. Its not like Im being abused in any way, other than I just feel like I have a loveless marriage, that we are just business partners. He does his thing; I do my thing to help things move along for the family. Can I accept that? By using our site, you agree to our collection of information through the use of cookies. To learn more, view our Privacy Policy. To browse Academia. Log in with Facebook Log in with Google.

Remember me on this computer. Enter the email address you signed up with and we'll email you a reset link. Need an account? Click here to sign up. Download Free PDF. Idongesit Umoh. A short summary of this paper. What are the possible consequences of divorce for children? Divorce is a life-transforming experience. After divorce, childhood is different. Adolescence is different. Adulthood—with the decision to marry or not and have children or not—is different.

Judith S. Wallerstein, noted divorce researcher Overview: Divorce generally puts children at greater risk for many kinds of problems.

However, most children of divorce do not experience those serious problems; most children are strong and resilient, and most have returned to a pretty normal life after 2—3 years. The problems children of divorce may experience are often present even before the divorce, perhaps the result of conflict between parents, less attention from parents, depression, or other factors.

Children in a high-conflict marriage situation generally are better off if their parents decide to divorce compared to children whose parents stay married and continue to experience high levels of conflict. Children in low-conflict marriage situations, however, generally do worse when their parents divorce compared to children whose parents stay married and keep trying to work things out. Children are developing physically, socially, emotionally, educationally, morally, and spiritually; research shows that divorce can affect children in each of these developmental areas.

In adulthood, children of divorce are 2—3 times more likely to experience a divorce compared to children who did not experience a divorce growing up. They would just be sobbing and crying for Daddy, and I would be holding them.

And of course I wanted the marriage to work. And it was very difficult. In a survey of more than 2, California adults, two out of three divorced Californians said their divorce negatively impacted their children.

Yes, overall, good research over many years does find that children who experience the divorce of their parents are at higher risk for a wide range of negative consequences, usually two to three times the risk compared to children who do not go through a divorce. The best circumstance for children is a stable home with two parents who are happy. If an unhappy marriage can be repaired over time so that both partners can be reasonably happy, this will probably be the best situation for the children.

If, however, a divorce is necessary, it is important to know what research says about how divorce affects children. In this chapter we briefly summarize what we know from good research about the effects of family breakdown on children. Why are some children more affected by divorce than others? People rightly worry about the harm to children of divorce. But things are more complicated than a simple assertion of harm. First, although divorce generally puts children at greater risk for many kinds of problems, most children do not experience those serious problems, even though the experience of divorce is personally painful for almost all children.

It turns out that children generally are strong and resilient. And research suggests that even though divorce can be very upsetting to children, most adjust to their new life after 2—3 years. And even resilient children report long-term challenges. In one study of young adults attending a prestigious university and were doing well who had experienced a divorce growing up, half still said that they worried about big events, such as graduation and weddings, when both parents would be present.

More than a quarter wondered if their father even loved them. On the other hand, for many children, conflict between parents increases after divorce rather than decreases.

So sometimes the actual divorce is the source of more difficulties for children. One child of divorce we know expressed his gratitude that his parents had never made him choose one parent over the other. His parents were able to talk through their problems and make a decision for the benefit of their child. He was grateful that he was not put in the middle. Another child of divorce we know had a very different experience; the parents forced each child in There are no easy answers the family to make a decision when they were ten years old on which parent they would live to the question of how with.

This was very difficult for the children. Still another individual we know grew up in a divorce may affect children. He felt his success in life was the direct product of the tremendous sacrifices his mother made.

He and his siblings are very grateful that their mother and father worked through their difficult issues. All of the children in this family now have happy marriages. Life is complicated, circumstances are unique, and individuals are different, so there are no easy answers to the question of how divorce may affect children.

But good research has been able to provide some general clues that can help you understand how divorce might affect your children. Here are a couple of important factors to consider. High-conflict vs. In earlier chapters, we explained that half or more of all divorces come from marriages that were not experiencing high levels of conflict. In high-conflict marriages, conflicts and problems are probably visible to all members of the family, including children.

In a high-conflict marriage there is yelling, screaming, and throwing things; sometimes there is even violence and abuse. It can be viewed as more than just a legal process.

From a psychological perspective, it does not matter who … Expand. View 3 excerpts, cites background. A review in the year of family law. See American Bar Association. Although many adults and children are resilient after divorce, it is common for marital breakups to precipitate the need for government assistance for families who had been self-sufficient. This … Expand. Grounds for divorce and residency requirement.

The three-part test that President Faust offers to determine just cause for ending marital covenants is a high standard by contemporary secular ethics. A strong case for a high standard in determining just cause for divorce also can be made with secular research.

In the next section, we review the secular case for a high bar on the decision to divorce. Allowing time for deciding about divorce. The first test President Faust gave was that serious marital problems should exist for a prolonged period of time before one can determine if there is just cause for ending a marriage.

Although if there are safety issues, then a separation is likely necessary while assessing whether change can occur. There is not much research on how long people experience problems before seeking a divorce. However, research documents that the first five years of a marriage are the years with the highest risk of divorce, and these risks are even higher for remarriages. In our own professional work, we have learned that unfortunately many people divorce after a short period of problems and make their decision quickly, based almost solely on emotion.

Some research suggests that many who divorce have regrets about the divorce later. Divorce scholar Robert Emery reports that ambivalent or mixed feelings about a divorce are common.

Trying to resolve problems before deciding to divorce. Related to this point, researchers estimate that only about 30 percent of U. A survey of Utah adults found that only about half of couples who divorced first sought either secular or religious counseling. I think [counseling] opened up a backbone of stability for us. However, we should seek help from various sources, including religious leaders and professional counselors who provide needed perspective and help distressed couples develop the skills to resolve their problems.

But research shows that a high percentage of people who say they are unhappy in their marriage but persevere for several years later report that their marriages are happy again. This study suggests that long-lasting marital unhappiness is uncommon; unhappy marriages often improve significantly over time for those who are patient and keep trying to work things out. Thus, we think there should be a presumption that current unhappiness in a marriage will diminish, problems will be resolved, and happiness will return.

Patience and perseverance can make a real difference. Perhaps this intriguing research finding can be better understood in the context of the common reasons people give for divorce. A national study documented that the most common reason people gave for their divorce was a lack of commitment; nearly 75 percent said it was a major factor. A survey in Utah found a similar pattern of common reasons. Most of these reasons seem amenable to patience and effort.

People can learn better communication and problem-solving skills; they can establish more realistic expectations; they can learn to treat each with greater respect and act as equal partners.

Also, many good resources are available for engaged couples who want to work before their marriage to prepare better for the challenges that lie ahead. Another interesting finding that sheds light on whether marriages can be repaired is that most divorces come from marriages that were not experiencing abuse or high levels of conflict. One set of researchers estimated that from half to two-thirds of divorces come from couples who were not having a lot of serious arguments or experiencing abuse.

Also noteworthy is the finding that the children of these divorces are generally the ones who have the hardest time adjusting to divorce. But in low-conflict marriages that end in divorce, the children likely are surprised and bewildered; a key foundation of their world has been cracked and they struggle to deal with these unwanted and, from their perspective, unwarranted changes in their family.

An LDS couple was married for decades before divorcing because of solvable irritations. The wife was mad at her husband because she felt he was not a good provider; she had grudgingly worked most of their married lives. They experienced serious friction regarding the cleanliness of the home and the undefined roles of each spouse. The children, although all adults, were furious about the divorce. Some of the children have refused to talk to their mother, who initiated the action. In our professional work, we see that family and friends often encourage a struggling couple to bail out.

They see the pain these struggles are causing and instinctively want to end the pain. But instincts are often shortsighted. Again, we acknowledge that there are situations in which divorce is justified, and family and friends should support the difficult choice to end such marriages.

But as a general principle, we believe that family and friends should encourage their loved ones to work hard to repair their marriage. Divorce, dignity, and well-being. Certainly there is ample evidence that the process of marital breakdown, the aftermath of divorce, and struggles to rebuild a life and meet daily challenges can leave people feeling exhausted, lost, beaten down, lacking confidence, and depressed. Most likely both contribute to adjustment difficulties.

That is, problems in the marriage make people unhappy and contribute to lower self-esteem, for instance, but problems adjusting to divorce exacerbate these problems and likely spawn additional ones. Moreover, research finds little evidence that, overall, those who divorce rather than stay together are able to rebuild a greater sense of well-being and happiness.

This was true even for those who remarried or repartnered after the divorce. However, it is important to acknowledge that this is only a general statement. Spousal abuse carries with it a high risk of destructive consequences, including poor mental and physical health. One challenge associated with this third principle is that sometimes individuals struggling in a destructive marriage get so worn down that they lose a sense of self-efficacy and an ability to trust their own judgment.

Hence, they may be unable to make a difficult but correct decision to divorce. In these instances, caring family and friends may need to help. As we said earlier, generally we believe family and friends should encourage loved ones at the crossroads of divorce to act with faith and do all they can to repair the marriage.

But there may be times when a family member or close friend will need to prayerfully and carefully intervene to help a loved one see that the marriage has become destructive or unsafe and strengthen them to make a difficult decision to divorce.

One situation that can cause great marital pain occurs when one spouse rejects or questions his or her faith while the other remains devout. With the right perspective, this situation does not constitute a threat to human dignity. Instead, the other spouse should offer compassion, love, and patience as a light to attract him or her back onto the path of full righteousness.